Red, Green and Sometimes Beige: Excerpt from Kasturi Mahanta’s New Book on Healthy Relationships

[The following is excerpted from Red, Green and Sometimes Beige: The Ins and Outs of a Healthy Relationship by Kasturi Mahanta, with permission from Simon & Schuster India]

Ananya bites the pen end unconsciously as she looks at her phone. She is waiting for a message from Madhav. It’s been an hour that he hasn’t texted back and memories of all Instagram posts on her feed come back to her.

She doesn’t know what to do. Madhav and her have been friends since Class 7 math tuitions. They have seen each other grow up and have had a similar journey of studies. Both have opted for Commerce and arein the same college. More than a relationship, they are friends. But recently, the vibe has changed. Things feel different. Ananya knows it. The way he speaks of his life and his future seems very intimate and vulnerable. Ananya opens up to him too…but not like she does with Vaidehi. It’s always different with girlfriends, right? She reasons with herself.

But why is it then an hour of not being texted back by Madhav makes her lose her mind?

Maybe Vaidehi can help?

She calls her, and Vaidehi picks up in one ring. ‘Why can’t Madhav be like you?’ lamentsAnanya.

‘Why? How can he be like me anyway? Such a loser!’

Vaidehi has never liked Madhav. Now that Ananya is close to him, she can’t stand him anymore.

‘Why the hell would you say that?’ Ananya snaps. “Leave it, whatssup?”

‘I want to talk about Madhav. He hasn’t texted me back, we are supposed to catch a movie on Saturday.’

‘Saturday? And what about the flea plan we had?’

‘Flea plan?’ Ananya had completely forgotten about the plan she had made with Vaidehi. ‘We can go on Sunday, no?’

‘But we made plans first and you said you were free,’ Vaidehi sounds pissed.

‘But babe, listen no…Madhav can’t make it any other day yaar.’

‘Okay, we can check on Sunday, if I am not doing anything we will go,’ Vaidehi says flatly. ‘But listenAnanya, Madhav is a huge red flag.’

‘Why? Why do you always have bad things to say about him?’

‘I just care for you as a friend, that’s why. That guy is off… anyway, let me get back to you on Saturday aboutthe Sunday plan, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Ananya hangs up. Vaidehi is of no help. Who else does she talk to him about? Vaidehi has alwaysbeen a supporter until now. What if she is right? What if Madhav is a walking, talking red flag?

Doesn’t text back? Red Flag. Doesn’t communicate? Red Flag. Has a lot of friends? Red flag.

Long hair, chiseled jaw? Red flag.

Tell me you are not on the Internet without telling me you are not on the Internet:

‘What are red flags?’

Red flags—a buzzword of the internet dating world.

Although originally used in the military and armed forces to signal danger, red flags are now predominantly used to label or identify behaviours in a person that are problematic and you would want to steer clear of. And definitely not entangle yourself in a relationship with.

It is good to know the concept of red flags. It can sometimes act as a much-needed counter to your positivity bias, especially in the first few days or months of knowing a person. What is the positivity bias, you ask? Well, initially, as we are getting to know someone, we might be so blinded by only the good stuff that we end up completely negating or ignoring the bad or undesirable parts. Yes, we wear those rose-tinted glasses at the beginning of a new connection and keep them on as the honeymoon phase of arelationship begins. And while optimism and gratitude definitely helps build a relationship and later continueon with our partner if the going gets tough, a balance is required. Because, more often than not, as thenovelty wears off, we take our glasses off only to realise sometimes drastic differences or sometimes previously unacknowledged differences that we can still live with.

That being said, it is easy to go down the red-flag rabbit hole, so discernment is required, but more on that later.

Red flags describe general things that you need to be careful about in people. Here are a list of some general behaviours that can be marked as red flags, or behaviours to keep an eye out for:

• Lack of Communication: Difficulty in open and honest communication may indicate underlying issues. Relationships thrive on communication and if at the beginning of the connection, you are seeing signs ofwithdrawal in communication or inconsistent communication, chances are that you will have to work on this area really hard. If both people are low on communication, this might not be a deal-breaker for you yet, but if one of you can communicate while theother is completely shut down or not into expressing their thoughts and feelings, it can cause a mismatch.

• Controlling Behaviour: This refers to attempts at controlling or dominating decisions and actions within the relationship.

About the Author: Kasturi Mahanta is a Counselling Psychologist specialising in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is on Instagram as @heymisstherapist.