Making Sense of the Emotional Lives of Teenagers
By Asma G
When my 10-year-old nephew came into my care permanently three years ago, I was quite confident in my ability to connect with him. I was 27 years old at the time and while I hadn’t expected to become his primary caregiver, I was quite confident that I would have no trouble connecting with him and raising him. “After all, I was a teen less than 10 years ago,” I reasoned to myself and to concerned friends. My naivete was quickly dispelled as I got into the thick of parenting.
My nephew had questions and opinions about everything under the sun, from democracy to gender identity to racism and I found myself scrambling to keep up. I was especially unprepared when it came to discussing gender identity and sexuality.
Most parents of my nephew’s friends are in their forties and didn’t grow up with technology. I had a smartphone by the time I was 12 and Facebook and Instagram accounts at 14. While this has meant that I understand and relate more to my nephew and his friends, there is still a huge, cavernous gap between our experiences growing up. My nephew described the music I grew up listening to as “vintage” (his kind way of not calling me old).
In an effort to keep up and connect with my nephew and his peers, I have revamped my playlist to include Ashnikko, Odetari, and other artists they listen to. I also keep up with pop culture, following Cardi B’s court hearings and news around d4vd’s likely arrest. (Fellow parents and caregivers, if you’re looking for tips to connect with your teens, send me a DM on Instagram and I will gladly share what has worked.)
PARENTING BOOKS TO THE RESCUE
As part of this effort to understand my nephew’s life better and how to support him, I have turned to parenting books. My latest pick is The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Dr Lisa Damour. Damour is a psychologist and author, whose books have been translated into twenty-three languages. All three of her books are New York Times best sellers. (She is also the co-host of the Ask Lisa Podcast and you can find her on X here)
As the name suggests, this book’s focus is entirely about emotions – what emotions and reactions are normal, what signs are cause for worry, how to interpret teens emotions and behaviors, how to help teens have healthy romantic lives, how to get teens to open up and talk about their feelings, how adults can help adolescents regain control of their emotions when they start getting the better of them, and how to give advice to a teenager.
TEENAGE EMOTIONS AND DEFENCE MECHANISMS
Damour offers much-needed reassurance to caregivers dealing with the whirlwind that teenage emotions are, writing, “Normally developing teenagers experience pronounced highs and lows, but that is not, in and of itself, reason to be worried that they are falling apart. We can be confident in their overall emotional health so long as three things are true: Adolescents should have feelings that make sense in light of their circumstances; they should find adaptive ways to manage those emotions (such as having a good cry); and they should rely on a range of defenses that offer relief without distorting reality.
Damour describes the psychological defences that teens use to deal with intense emotions – humour, sublimation, rationalisation, denial and externalisation, and classifies these defenses as low-quality and high-quality defenses. She clarifies the distinction between these defences, explaining that high-quality defences like humour distort reality the least, while low-quality defences like denial distort reality and undermine the possibility of teens engaging meaningfully with the world and the people in it.
Damour provides guidance for how to talk to teens about suicide and self-harm which is invaluable information that every parent should be aware of.
[If you or anyone you know is feeling or expressing extreme distress, please know that help is available. You can reach out to helplines here]
TALKING EMOTIONS: DID WE ADD THE GENDER LENS?
The book explains the interplay between gender and emotion, with an entire chapter dedicated to this vast topic. Parents influence how kids communicate feelings by their reactions to kids’ emotions and through direct instruction.
Damour explains, “Whether we mean to or not, from day one we subtly help children adopt the gendered emotional scripts established by our broader culture. We do this in part by responding to expressions of emotions that match gendered stereotypes and ignoring the ones that don’t…
Our young children want our attention more than anything else, and they quickly figure out to do more of the behaviours that get us to tune in and fewer of the behaviors that make us tune out. Research shows that parents are more comfortable with their daughters expressing fear and their sons expressing anger than the other way around. And parents are more likely to turn their attention elsewhere when their sons feel sad and anxious, and when their daughters become angry.”
Explaining how parents shape their children’s expression of emotions through direct instruction, Damour adds, “In a similar vein, parents are more likely to urge their sons to cope with distress by distraction–to just “not think about it” or “focus on something else”–and to help their daughters feel better by encouraging them to share what’s on their mind.”
Damour also puts to rest the idea that only girls display relational aggression i.e. cruel behaviour like spreading rumours or excluding or manipulating others. She also provides fascinating insight about the relationship between gender and physical aggression and how to raise boys who are empathetic and nonaggressive. Damour dispels the popular notion that physical aggression from boys is tied to rising testosterone levels, citing a review of several research studies that found no clear link between the two.
However, as she writes, “From day one, boys are more physically active than girls, which may cause some parents to accept that their sons’ physicality will inevitably lead to more aggression. With that assumption in place, they may unwittingly allow boys to cross more physical boundaries.”
Daughters, on the other hand, are more likely to be discouraged from showing angry or aggressive behaviour.
This feels like an important moment for us as parents or adult guardians to reflect and check our own biases.
My intention while reading the book was to help myself parent my nephew better but I found myself gaining insight into my own childhood and the reaction of adults around me to my displays of anger. Damour’s insight seems to hold true across generations and cultures. The chapter titled Gender and Emotion is one I think everyone should read, irrespective of whether or not they are raising children.
RISKY BUSINESS
In the book, the author is also realistic about the fact that despite all our good intentions and forewarnings, teens are likely to engage in underage drinking and gives play-by-play explanations of how to talk to them about it and to ensure that they know we are there for them even if they do end up drinking.
MY KEY TAKEAWAYS
- Teenagers act awful when they feel awful.
- Teens with empathetic parents have lower levels of systemic inflammation – a biological marker of emotional stress. Empathy is more effective than reassurance.
- Some teens may come and talk to their parents close to bedtime because it allows them to set the terms of engagement – they can end the conversation when they want to, knowing that their parents are unlikely to follow them and ask further questions.
- Every young person should have ways to feel good about themselves that they are able to control.
- Telling teenagers they will outgrow their gender-questioning or gender-expansive identities will most likely be received as invalidating, hurtful, and rejecting.
- As an adult, when you act in ways you regret, own it and apologise to your teen.
- Remaining calm when teenagers become undone communicates that we are not frightened by their distress and so they don’t need to be afraid of it too.
HUMOUR FOR THE WIN
Despite the subject matter of the book, Damour manages to suffuse the book with humour. Describing the developmental phase of separation-individuation, Damour writes, “If I were tasked with renaming this developmental phase so as to capture how it really plays out in family life, I’d probably go with something like “When parents become totally mortifying,” or “The several months when your teenager can’t stand how you chew.”
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers is a great book to read if you have adolescents or teens in your life, benefiting from Damour’s expertise and insight, as well as her style of writing which makes this an enjoyable, humorous read. Even if you don’t read the entire book, the chapter titled ‘Gender and Emotion’ is a must-read for all adults because of the insight you will gain into your own emotions and behaviours.
About the Author: Asma G is a feminist writer with an interest in public policy and mental health. You can read more of her pieces right here, and find her on Instagram at @asmag7
