Growing Together: Parenting with Compassion

Psychologist Arpita Anand on parenting in the digital age, setting boundaries, open communication and giving ourselves permission to learn along the way.

Parenting can sometimes feel like navigating a landscape where the rules are constantly changing. Technology is part of everyday life. Children are seeking independence earlier. Parents are trying to understand where to set boundaries — and how those boundaries should evolve as their children grow.

So what does compassionate parenting look like in this environment?

In this episode of the Say Again Podcast, Amrita Tripathi speaks with Arpita Anand, a mental health professional with more than 25 years of international experience in research and therapy. Arpita has worked across London, New Delhi, New York and Dubai, and specialises in cognitive behavioural therapy. She is also the co-author, with Amrita, of Real Stories of Dealing with Depression, published by Simon & Schuster India in 2019.

The conversation explores some of the challenges that repeatedly bring parents of pre-teens and teenagers in for support — from digital dependence and changing boundaries to difficult conversations, seeking help early and the importance of parents extending some compassion towards themselves.

 

 

Parenting in a digital world

One of the biggest challenges Arpita sees among parents of pre-teens and teenagers is the relationship children have with the digital space.

At the same time, children are going through another significant transition: they are growing, developing and seeking greater independence. For parents, this can mean navigating new questions around boundaries — when to push, when not to push, and how much freedom to allow.

Technology can make this particularly complicated.

Arpita points out that when children are introduced to screens very early, it can become difficult for them to distinguish between when screen use is appropriate and when it is not. Digital products are designed to be engaging, and that can make it unrealistic to expect children to independently establish healthy boundaries around their use.

There is also an important distinction to make: this isn’t simply a problem for children to solve.

“This is not a burden that the kids need to carry. This is a burden that the adults…”

Parents themselves are negotiating their relationship with screens and technology. Expecting children to develop boundaries that many adults are still struggling with may therefore be unrealistic.

There is no one-size-fits-all parenting manual

Another recurring challenge is the temptation to look at children through the same lens.

Arpita often hears parents compare siblings: one child seems to be doing perfectly well, while another is struggling. But children come into the world with their own personalities, traits, behaviours and individual needs.

Some children may be more introverted or more sensitive to feedback, while others may respond very differently to the same communication.

The answer, therefore, isn’t necessarily to find the perfect parenting technique. It is to understand the child in front of you.

Arpita puts it simply:

“You’re actually the expert on your child, I’m not.”

Parents know their children in ways that an outside professional cannot. The task is to slow down, reflect, recalibrate and engage with the child based on their needs — rather than solely on what the parent expects or wants.

Why seeking help earlier can matter

In many families, particularly where there may still be stigma around mental health support, parents can wait until a situation becomes a crisis before seeking help.

Arpita’s view is that earlier intervention can make a difference.

Certain behaviours, when repeated over time, can become reinforced. That applies not only to children but to parents and the family dynamic around them.

The longer a particular pattern continues, the harder it can become to interrupt it and develop healthier ways of responding.

This doesn’t mean that parents should interpret every change in behaviour as a problem. Rather, it is about remaining open, observant and willing to seek support when something doesn’t feel right.

And, importantly, acknowledging that parents themselves don’t have to be perfect.

“We are human beings. So, you know, I think that the first step is just acknowledging that we are not perfect and we don’t need to be perfect.”

Talk about the difficult things

Parents often want to protect children from difficult subjects. That instinct can come from a good place.

But avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t necessarily protect children from difficult experiences.

Bereavement, conflict at home, separation and divorce are all part of the realities that some families will face. How these subjects are discussed should always be age appropriate, but Arpita believes there is no substitute for open communication.

Children are perceptive. When something is happening around them, they may pick up on the stress even when adults aren’t talking about it.

If they don’t have a space where they can ask questions or express what they’re feeling, they may internalise that stress. They may also absorb the message that certain subjects are simply not things they can talk about.

Over time, that can make it harder for them to reach out when they encounter difficult experiences themselves.

Open communication gives children something else: the confidence that difficult things can be discussed, and that they have people they can turn to.

Success, failure and the pressure on parents

The pressure surrounding ideas of success and failure can add another layer to parenting.

When a child isn’t doing well, parents may experience that as a reflection of themselves. Social expectations can make this particularly difficult.

For Arpita, this points towards a larger shift in how we think about parenting. There isn’t necessarily a simple framework of success or failure, right or wrong.

Children are developing. Parents are developing too.

And both are doing so within families and communities that are constantly changing.

Boundaries need to evolve

Compassionate parenting doesn’t mean having no boundaries.

In fact, Arpita believes boundaries are important from the beginning. Children benefit from understanding what is okay and what isn’t, what is acceptable and what isn’t.

Those boundaries apply across different aspects of life — behaviour, social interactions and relationships with other children, among others.

But boundaries are not static.

As children grow, the boundaries need to change too. What works for a young child may not work for a pre-teen or teenager.

Arpita describes this evolution in her own relationship with her son, who is entering the pre-teen years.

Things that were once relatively straightforward — creating structure, asking him to follow a routine or simply asking him to do something — are increasingly met with questions or pushback.

Rather than automatically interpreting a “no” as defiance, Arpita sees some of this as part of his developmental need to test boundaries, understand what he needs and learn how to negotiate.

That doesn’t mean everything becomes negotiable.

Some things remain non-negotiable. Other things can become spaces for discussion.

The difference is that the conversation becomes two-way.

“The change is just explaining, giving reasons, listening to him. So it’s not a one-way conversation, it’s a two-way conversation at all times.”

Parents are growing too

One of the most encouraging changes Arpita has seen over the last decade is greater openness among parents.

There is more awareness around child development and more willingness to reflect on how parents’ own experiences shape the way they parent.

This includes thinking about intergenerational parenting styles — and recognising the ways in which behaviours and patterns can be passed from one generation to another.

Increasingly, Arpita also sees parents seeking therapy for themselves, sometimes before or after having a child, not necessarily because they have a parenting problem but because they want to work through their own experiences.

There can be a desire to understand those experiences and avoid passing on unhealthy patterns to their children.

For many parents, that can be part of breaking a cycle.

What does good parenting look like?

Perhaps there is no definitive answer.

Arpita’s approach is strikingly simple: do your best, keep assessing, reflect and remain open to feedback.

That feedback can even come from your children.

She talks about checking in with her own son about how he experienced something she said or did. Parents can also talk to their partners, friends and colleagues, and seek professional help when they feel they need it.

Therapy doesn’t have to be viewed only as something you turn to when there is a crisis. It can also provide an independent, non-judgmental space to think.

Ultimately, there is room for different approaches.

“Do your best. Keep assessing.”

And perhaps that is part of what compassionate parenting means: allowing ourselves to learn alongside our children rather than imagining that we are supposed to have all the answers from the beginning.

Taking care of the parent

Parents are often juggling work, family, children and a long list of other responsibilities. It can be tempting to put their own needs permanently at the bottom of that list.

Arpita encourages parents to look at life more holistically and to prioritise basic lifestyle factors that support wellbeing — enough rest, regular exercise and eating well.

These aren’t complicated interventions, but they can be difficult to maintain when life is busy.

The larger point is that caring for ourselves isn’t separate from caring for our children.

As Arpita puts it, “if you’re okay, your child will be okay.”

A small gratitude practice

Towards the end of the conversation, Arpita shares a simple ritual she has with her son: a gratitude practice at bedtime.

They each identify one or two things from the day that they are grateful for.

The previous night, Arpita had said she was grateful for the time they had spent together.

Her son’s answer was that he was grateful for the love she gives him.

It’s a small moment, but perhaps it captures something essential about the conversation: parenting isn’t about getting everything right.

It is about building connection, staying open, setting boundaries, listening, reflecting — and continuing to grow together.

 

Listen to the full episode of the Say Again Podcast for the complete conversation with Arpita Anand.

You can watch it on Youtube here or listen on Apple or Spotify

Disclaimer: AI tools were used in editing the podcast episode and curating this article from the transcript. 

 

 

 

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