Mid-Life, Caregiving and the New Balancing Act

The insidious Covid-19 pandemic was at its peak in 2021 when I heard my mother dismiss a runny nose and sneezing as a common cough and cold.

Being in a different city, and hoping against hope that my worst fears did not come true, I had to remove my own shield of self-denial to convince her that she needed to get tested, along with my father—this after discussing her symptoms with a physician.

She tested positive and then began sleepless nights, anxiety and a deep realisation of where I stand—approaching mid-life, with aging parents, mirrors of our truest selves.

The coming few weeks were crucial and saw me remotely fixing online doctor consultations, interrogating for her symptoms—”Were they better? Or were things getting worse?”—taking down notes, confirming her vitals, ensuring medicine uptake, as well as suggesting precautionary measures (which met with stiff resistance at the time).

I had to confide in my father, and he took up the baton, becoming the one who supervised her improvement in due course. He was the one cooking her meals, providing her with what she needed while practising social distancing at home.

While both my brother and I would keep track of things, it felt like supervising two senior citizens over the phone during such difficult times was no easy task, given that we are used to taking instructions from our parents—and they, of course, are not. However, all turned out well, and she was out of danger.

MID-LIFE CRISIS

After I lost my father a few years ago, the mid-life crisis has come to mean different things, one at a time. It has also made me wonder how to take care of—or give care to—my mother without compromising her sense of independence, while also retaining mine.

Living in a city with perhaps the second largest population of elderly citizens in India, I am sure this is a battle many are fighting with grace and resilience. That, along with the fact that as a woman, society expects us to balance, balance, balance!

All this while giving in to what it expects of us. So much so that you can be torn at the seams, but others will not tire of their commentary. I see this judgement hurled at me implicitly, sometimes explicitly. However, I have learnt to live with it now because when life throws you curveballs, you get to decide how to handle them.

Some of my go-to strategies may sound familiar as many of us try to balance a parent’s independence with their care:

• Managing the medication: Whether it’s diabetes, heart conditions, blood pressure or even arthritis, medication needs to be taken as advised by your doctor. Sometimes lifestyle changes are required, and you might feel it’s a role reversal, ensuring balanced meals with fruits and vegetables added to the dinner table.
• Staying active: Walking is the new flex, so even a daily or regular walk, along with opportunities to interact with friends and others outside the family, can pay dividends. This may also mean accompanying them on walks, if needed.
• Enable the curiosity: After children, those in their sunset years ask the most questions, especially with technology constantly shape-shifting. And that’s a good thing. It feels essential to stay apprised of what’s happening around us, through newspapers, magazines or even social media—with some support when it comes to online safety and privacy challenges.
• A fine balance: It’s not surprising that many senior citizens want to continue doing what they have always done—for example, visiting the bank, getting groceries, or going for a walk alone (never mind the hovering we mentioned above). These can be small wins and should be encouraged, as long as they’re viable. Everyone benefits from a sense of accomplishment—and even a sense of purpose.

And finally, remember to share a laugh, have fun trips if possible, even if they’re shorter outings to the movies or the mall for a change of scene, despite all the frustrations, tribulations, misunderstandings and triggers that come with such an arrangement.

Some days might feel like you are failing as a daughter or son to your aging parents, while battling imposter syndrome that also spills over as you try to compartmentalise your life. On others, you might be the helicopter child-woman, nudging, bickering, suggesting and advising at every small step, trying to control outcomes.

However, progress lies in small steps—sometimes even stepping back. Most of all, listening, even after you feel like shutting off… that’s the pivot.

About the writer: Shalini Gupta spends her time reading and pausing to understand the written word, while writing flash fiction and poetry. She can be reached on X @shalini_writes.

Disclaimer: This is a guest post. The views and opinions expressed are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Health Collective. This article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be considered medical, mental health or professional advice.